decide that you want it.

that little motivational nugget comes from Bill Cosby, of all people.

I have a serious confession to make: for a long time, I've been afraid to own the things I want in life. I've been scared that if I tried to chase my dreams, I might fail. I've been terrified that people would judge me for doing what I want to do. and what was maybe the worst - the fear of what might happen if I actually succeeded.

but today I'm coming out of the closet and declaring my intentions: I want to be a writer.

it took me a long time to realize it. and maybe I don't mean it in an end-all be-all kind of way. there are other things I want to do with my life too. but this idea has been preying on my mind - to be completely honest - for years.

that's right. for years I was so afraid of trying and failing that I just didn't try at all. yes, I blog, and that's writing. but I never put what I considered "serious" effort into it so that if I didn't become "popular" I wouldn't feel like some loser just writing a blog that no one reads. when people I know in real life would ask me about my blog I would blush and stammer and mumble "oh yeah, my blog..." and avoid talking about it like it was no big deal.

I love writing, and I love writing this blog. and I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I don't care that much.

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine this summer. you see, she's trying to write a book too. she asks herself "how bad do you want it?" and then she goes and gets it. I didn't quite take it to heart as much as I should have at the time. but I'm going to try now, and that's what counts.

so things around here are going to change, at least a little. last night I took the plunge and decided to invest in sponsoring two of my most favorite blogs. HUGE DEAL. for me at least. and I'm super excited about it - supporting two women I admire and having the chance to grow my readership. I'm going to make more of an effort to write consistently and to be open + vulnerable in what I write. kindof like right now. it may get a little wild and crazy before I actually figure out what I'm doing. but I'm finally over the idea that not trying at all is better than trying and failing. because it's not.

but what if people judge me? well... I hate to say it, but people are already judging. people judge people. all the damn time. you can't control that. so you might as well do what makes you happy. and the people who really matter won't judge or shame you for it. I have people who love me and support what I'm doing here. and I owe them everything for believing in me while I was still figuring out how to believe in myself.

and what if I succeed in becoming a writer? a wise friend said to me once, "if you want to be a [blank], then do what a [blank] does." so: if you want to be a writer, then you should write. because a writer writes. well guess what... I write. hell, I'm already a writer. so there's no point in being afraid of it.

because... I want it.