expat problems: where is home?

in two short months, I'm going to be on my way back to the states for a visit. and the thought of going home brings up all kinds of questions for an expat - namely - is home really still home?

I've been a bit spoiled in my expat experience. last summer I was able to go back to my home country for three whole months after just one year abroad. and after only eight months in Taiwan, I will return to the US for almost another three. [sure I don't make a salary anymore, but this whole blogger/writer thing has its perks.]

last year when I first returned to Michigan, I was overwhelmed with a sense of "I'm home." I had family, friends, my cats, and all the foods I had been missing. but after a week, the novelty wore off and the reverse culture shock set in. I had changed in my time away, and America wasn't quite home anymore. and then the most shocking thing... I began to miss my home in Taiwan.

but Taiwan isn't exactly home either. we know we won't be here forever. international teachers are transient animals, and though we'll return to Taiwan for the school year next fall, there's no plan for what comes next. having an existence that's practically defined as being temporary is hard. it's hard to build lasting friendships when you know someday you'll both leave. it's hard to justify investing in things like mattresses or even decorating your walls.

so where is home? how does that saying go - home is where your heart is? but I've left my heart in so many places.

the older I get and the more places I travel, the longer the list grows. home is Michigan - from metro Detroit to "up north" to East Lansing to the shores of Lake Michigan. but home is also New York. home is Philadelphia. home is Taiwan. heck... home is Railay beach in Thailand. I've been leaving little pieces of my heart everywhere I go.

I was born in Texas, raised in the midwest, spent five years on the east coast after college, and have been an expat in Asia for nearly two. I've been traveling my entire life. a part of me wants a house and a yard and somewhere permanent. to put down roots. I think if we settled down somewhere for long enough it could feel like home... or maybe we'd just feel restless.

[I know this isn't what my mom wants to hear.]

the struggle between wanting a place to call home and still wanting to see the world, is the hardest thing I've encountered as an expat. trying to balance the things that you want with the things that you miss is damned difficult. I worry that giving up this life would feel like just that - giving up. that it would be a waste of an opportunity. but I also worry that my other option is to be searching for home all my life.

is this just a side effect of being an expat? or does everyone with wanderlust in their heart suffer from the same affliction?

but maybe there's a third choice. if I've been scattering pieces of my heart like breadcrumbs everywhere I go, maybe it's not to lead me to this mythical place called home. maybe I've been planting seeds everywhere. putting roots down all over the globe.

maybe, if home is everywhere, I can be at home wherever I go.

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today I'm co-hosting the expat diaries linkup with Chelsea and Rachel. if you're an expat or traveler too, you can linkup below to share your stories.

some days I hate Taiwan

let's get real. being an expat isn't all sunshine + rainbows. not every day is an exciting adventure, or even enjoyable. [in fact - despite all the rain we get, I have not ever once seen a rainbow here.]

the truth is: some days I hate Taiwan.

days when people stare at me open-mouthed, like I'm some kind of wild blonde animal that has escaped from the zoo. days when little kids point at me and laugh, and their parents do nothing. days when teenagers yell "mei guo ren" [American] at me as I walk by.

days when people - of all ages - stop and ask to take a picture with me. days when grown women think it's ok to pick up and inspect the items I am buying, right off the checkout belt. days when someone bumps me into a store shelf and I narrowly save the glass bottle of ketchup from shattering, and instead of apologizing... they laugh.

but then there are days like today. when a little boy smiles at me and tries to have a conversation with me, like I'm a real person. when his mother apologizes, even though there's no need to. when he excitedly chatters at me and shows me the game he is playing on his mom's phone. and even when I smile back and say "guitar" and I know he doesn't understand, he claps and giggles like he does.

there are days that it starts raining when I'm in the middle of running errands and am most definitely not wearing anything waterproof. so I arrive back to the apartment drenched and my boot slips on the kickstand and the entire scooter and box of groceries tips over. while the scooter is still running.

but then a random stranger who speaks no English stops to help pick up the groceries, right the scooter, and even offers to cary the soggy box upstairs [since it's pretty much just folding in half at this point.]

there are days that your washing machine decides to quit mid-cycle and start beeping at you, while it leaks all over your laundry room. and no matter which button you push [they're all in Chinese of course] nothing seems to happen.

but when you call to ask for help, you're told that they won't fix it... the entire machine will be replaced. this weekend.

there are days in Taiwan where I feel helpless, even hopeless. those are the days I visit six different grocery stores in hopes of finding an onion that is neither moldy nor mushy... and I fail. the days where I feel so homesick I start looking at real estate in Michigan, the days I would kill to have a real oven or a dryer or - please! - a dishwasher, the days that I want to pull my hair out because between the humidity and my helmet what's the point of having hair anyway?

and then there are the days [like today] where despite all that you find a way to make it work.

it's true that more often here than before I have days that seem incredible, grand, and wondrous. but in between the highs and the lows there's mostly just... life. and that's what I hope to share with you on this rainy tuesday.

10 things you need to know about life in Taiwan

today is our 1-year expat anniversary.  [I honestly cannot believe that I just typed that sentence. it feels like it's been a week and a decade, all at the same time.] ironic that I'm spending it back home in Michgan, yes, but that doesn't change that I'm still an expat and still going back to Taiwan in 2 months.

before I moved to Taiwan, I was pretty clueless. part of it may be what American society teaches us about Asian culture, but I admit a portion was simply my own ignorance. some stereotypes are true and some are completely false. in fact... 80% of what I thought it would be like here was wrong. thankfully, I've learned a few things during my first year as an expat. and lucky for you, I've made a nice little list of what you really need to know about life in Taiwan.

1a. Taiwan vs. China. the relationship between mainland China and Taiwan is as confusing and dramatic as a soap opera. Taiwan has been occupied and colonized by several nations, most recently the Japanese. at the end of World War 2, the Japanese surrendered Taiwan to the Republic of China. at the time, the ROC was the ruling government in mainland China. BUT. when the communist party took over mainland China in 1949 they formed a new ruling body called the People's Republic of China. members of the ROC fled the mainland and established themselves in Taiwan. so then you have two governments claiming to be "China." but the ROC was recently ousted from it's seat of power [and the UN], so most countries sided with the communist PRC. many countries still do not formally recognize Taiwan due to existing ties with China [PRC], which is why there is no true US embassy in Taiwan nor a Taiwanese embassy in the US. but they cannot exclude or ignore Taiwan [ROC] completely due to its economic growth over the past few decades, which is why you see Taiwan compete in the olympics under a compromise title of "Chinese Taipei." or at least that's my understanding of things.

1b. Taiwan vs. Thailand. I love Thai food and I love Thai writing, but both of those things come from Thailand. the proper title for the food, culture, and people of Taiwan? Taiwanese. [I knew this one before moving here, but you'd be surprised how many people still think I live in Thailand. maybe because I vacation there so often?]

2. the wildlife. Taiwan is a rabies-free island, so people just let packs of wild dogs roam free on the streets. mostly they will leave you alone. but sometimes they follow you home. the bugs here are ridiculous. cockroaches and giant spiders invade homes on a regular basis, and I can't walk 10 feet outside without being bit by some kind of mosquito. the little lizards and geckos don't bother me much. but then there was the time two cobras were roaming the school campus...

3. the food. I expected eating gluten free to be much easier. no wheat is grown on the island here. it's an Asian country. so... rice, right? wrong. I struggle with my gluten sensitivity more in Taiwan than I ever had to in the states. all dumplings and the majority of noodles here are made from wheat flour. soy sauce contains gluten. there's a McDonalds or Pizza Hut or KFC on every corner, and scores of "western" restaurants serving burgers and brunch. and grocery shopping is interesting when you cannot read most of the labels. I'm just thankful I don't have a serious allergy to gluten. all that being said, we have found a handful of local places here in Hsinchu where both lovers and non-lovers of gluten can eat deliciousness to their hearts content. Taiwan is certainly not a place you will go hungry.

4. scooters. first, let's be honest: there is no possible way to do your hair and have it look good once it comes back out of the helmet. not. gonna. happen. and zipping around on a motorbike with no seatbelt can be very terrifying at first. [or after you crash and bust up your knee.] but, scooting is a super convenient way to get around. I think whenever  I next drive a car I will be impatient and crazy. what do you mean, I can't just squeeze between these two trucks and past all this traffic to be first in line at the red light?

5. shopping for food. Taiwan has a convenience store on every corner. 7-11, hi-life, family mart... they are everywhere. there is also an abundance of fruit markets, vegetable markets, and night markets. and then there are a handful of grocery store chains and specialty western import stores, and of course, Costco. the problem with shopping for food is that not a single one of these locations will carry everything on your grocery list. so while it's great to buy fruits + veggies local, a shopping trip involves at least three stops. usually four. the trick is knowing what to buy where [only buy special items from import stores, their veggies are way overpriced and Costco sells 2 pounds of that cheese for the 8oz price] and resigning yourself to the fact that grocery shopping can not be accomplished in an hour.

6. shopping for clothes. when we moved, I had to make my entire wardrobe fit into 2 suitcases. I decided that most of what I wasn't bringing I would donate, because if I wasn't going to wear it in 2 years did I really need it? well. I cannot tell you how many items of clothing I wish I hadn't donated. I thought I could easily buy some new basic tank tops, white tees, leggings etc after we arrived. well. in America I am a normal-to-smaller sized woman. average height [5'6] and I've got some curves, but usually I wear a size 4/6 or small. here in Taiwan the popular fashions for ladies seems to be very feminine, with flowing loose layers on top and tight skinny pants or short shorts/skirts. shirts meant to be baggy I can manage a medium, but tight-fitting my shoulders [and other things] need a large. most stores only carry up to size 4 in pants, and that is their equivalent of a large. SO. I've done a lot of online shopping, and plan to stock up while I'm in the states.

7. it's clean, but it's dirty. in Taipei, the MRT subway system is spotless. they don't allow eating or drinking on the trains or even in the station. [I love New York, but holy cow does Taipei kick your butt at subway cleanliness and ease of use.] given that it's an island and there is limited space for waste disposal, the Taiwanese are recycling fanatics. and there are HUGE fines for improperly sorting. public waste cans aren't common [at least in Hsinchu] but you will rarely find any litter on the streets. you will, however, be able to smell sewage from the street corners from time to time. and probably the dirtiest thing [at least to a germaphobe like me] is that a lot of people don't use soap when they wash their hands. sooooo many public bathrooms I've been in and seen girls just rinse with water and walk out the door. ick.

8. the people. the people here are very kind. even if they don't speak any English they will try to help you, give you directions, and feed you. when Husband and I were on the side of the road after our scooter crash, no less than 4 cars stopped to ask if we needed help. and... we were out in the back hills. which meant that 4 was every. single. car. I will say that the exception seems to be lines. the Taiwanese will elbow you out, cut in front of you, and crowd you from behind. don't believe me? go to Costco on a sunday and try to reach something in the cooler being blocked by the free sample line.

9. the cute factor. it's true. Asia loves things that are cute. bows and pink and glitter and cartoons are everywhere. lucky for my photo-snapping and journal-writing self, they also love photography gear - both for digital and instant/toy cameras- and stationary. [this stuff obviously can be found often with bows and pink and glitter and cartoons.] washi tape in particular has become a new obsession of mine since moving to Taiwan.

10. I don't speak Chinese. when we first found out we were moving to Taiwan, I may have panicked a little bit over the thought of having to learn Mandarin. we went out and bought ourselves some Rosetta Stone... which I haven't made much progress on. the truth is, we don't really need to know much Chinese. we get by on "thank you" and the basic numbers and by carrying around business cards to show cab drivers. many locals know a few words of English and are always eager to speak with you and show off their vocabulary. other than that, I smile and nod.

a tale of two mattresses

grab yourself some tea/coffee/wine/whatever and sit back while I tell you a story.

it starts with this: the mattress provided with our apartment had lost nearly all support. there were a few springs that still tried, but unfortunately they were located where I liked to rest my shoulder/hip/back. after many restless night of poor sleep we finally decided it was time to suck it up and buy a new mattress.

but how does one buy a new mattress in Taiwan? well, first you measure your mattress and do some research and discover that no one in Taiwan makes a mattress to fit your IKEA bed frame except for, of course, IKEA. so you make the trek to Taipei. you discover they do not have the mattress you wanted, but something similar. and hey - it's on sale! so you test it out and write down the number on the little card and get all excited, because things are finally working out.

and then your Husband tries to tell you the mattress is too small. and you think it's because you wrote down 150 x 192 cm as the dimensions and the mattress says it is 152 x 190 and you tell him no, it's fine. it's a queen size mattress. it's the dimensions you wrote down. you know you are right. [do you see where this story is going?]

so you pick out a foam pad and a comforter and cover that fit your mattress, and go an hour and 3 MRT transfers out of your way to have a celebratory mexican lunch. because it's 3pm and you are starving and in need of a margarita, and gosh darn it you've accomplished something today.

the next day, your new mattress is delivered. and when your Husband puts the new mattress on the bed frame it is hilariously too small. because, of course, your bed frame is a king size. and the dimensions you had written down? well, those were from when your Husband gave you the dimensions of the mattress he saw at Costco that was too small. because the size you really need is 190 x 200.

so for ten minutes you sit on the mattress and try to convince yourself maybe it isn't so ridiculous looking with all that extra bedframe sticking out around the sides. it's kindof like one of those trendy platform beds, right?

wrong. then your Husband spends the afternoon playing phone tag between a Chinese-speaking friend and the IKEA help desk trying to figure out how we can get the right size mattress. and they tell you that you have to go in person to return/exchange/schedule a new delivery. so you go. and two days later the correct size mattress is delivered.

a little difficult? maybe. but all was well. we assembled the new bed with freshly washed linens and I was ready to spend the rest of the afternoon sinking into the memory foam with a good book, enjoying not being poked in the bum by rogue springs.

and she relaxed happily ever after?

oh, but we are not yet through.

mere hours after the new mattress arrived, I noticed an ominous stain spreading on the ceiling. right. above. our new bed. water was leaking from the ceiling. in a panicked frenzy, we tore off all the blankets and sheets and relocated the mattress to the living room. and informed the proper person that we needed someone to come out and address the issue immediately.

so we camped out in the living room and waited for our request to make its way through the system. ah, bureaucracy. on day three the source of the leak - our upstairs neighbor's AC unit - was fixed. and on day five the workers arrived to paint our walls and fix our window screens.

wait... paint our walls and fix our windows?

we had previously requested that someone come and repaint several walls [including one in our bedroom] suffering from water damage and bubbling/flaking paint. Husband's mother is coming to visit and we had hoped to have it completed by then. I wasn't going to stop them from painting the walls, but I had been hoping they would be patching or sealing the cieling. I tried to communicate as much. I was able to break through the language barrier just enough to get a coat of paint over the water-stained crack in the ceiling. the walls were scraped, plastered, dried briefly with a blow torch [not joking], and painted.

on day six, we noticed the paint was starting to crack already in some areas that had been repaired. I guess the blow torch method of drying plaster isn't all that effective? we gave it one more night for the fumes to die down and finally moved our bed back where it belonged. with three rooms being painted, our living room had resembled a game of furniture Tetris.

and on the seventh day, they rested.

eating with allergies abroad

// veggie pad thai in bangkok: no tiny shrimp hiding out in here

sometimes, food is difficult for me.

I have a sensitivity to gluten. most of the time, I avoid eating it. sometimes I accidentally ingest it in things I can't easily determine have gluten. sometimes [in the case of pizza, usually] I will intentionally "cheat" and eat it will full knowledge of what's to come. depending on what the item is and how much I consume, my symptoms can range from a headache 20 minutes after I eat/drink something or a painful stomach, to digestive issues or having to spend the next morning in bed with what feels like a terrible hangover.

//peanut butter cupcake: someday I'll make a gluten free version...

I am also mildly lactose intolerant, though as long as I avoid milk or ice cream or heavy cream sauces I am ok. [I love cheese and refuse to give it up.]

and then, there is my shellfish allergy. accidentally consuming shrimp or crab results in more than just a stomach ache. it means hives and trouble breathing, or something worse if I ate enough. thankfully shellfish is easier to spot when it makes its way onto your plate.

//Husband's "monsoon shrimp" in Hawaii: I made him brush his teeth before he could kiss me

ok, so I have three things to avoid: gluten, dairy, shellfish. this means no sandwiches or milkshakes or crab rangoons, no beer or ice cream or california rolls. but there are still plenty of things I can eat, and most restaurants are safe for me since gluten and lactose are not allergies and I can survive cross-contamination. that's not so bad, right?

//at Pizza Stella in Philly, yes that's an egg: a tasty stomach ache about to happen

but wait... I live in a country where my first language [English] is not always on the label or the menu. and waiters know "hello" and "thank you" and sometimes "spicy" but that may be their limit. often, we point at the menu to order. we know the phrase for "I don't want shrimp" but there is no Chinese word to encompass all shellfish. and even when we ask for no shrimp, even if we have someone with us who speaks Chinese and they ask, sometimes the request doesn't make it to the kitchen. or they think we mean large shrimp and not the tiny dried ones that are sprinkled on everything for flavor. which I am still allergic to. which we discovered after I accidentally ate one.

//chicken caesar salad: GF if you pick out the croutons [not for serious allergies!]

so how do I deal with it? well. I cook at home a lot more often, so I know what is going into my food. sometimes we have to spend more money while grocery shopping so we can buy the western brand that has an English label I can read. we've been lucky that Taiwan is fairly westernized and we can find familiar things. they usually aren't quite what we are used to [sesame caesar dressing?] but different isn't always bad. I'm also lucky to have some really awesome parents and mother-in-law who have shipped me gluten free flour/pancake mix/ mac and cheese.

//hard cider: it's not beer, but it's gluten free

trying a new restaurant is always an adventure. sometimes we luck out find find another place we know we will become regulars at. we have found several local places where the owners speak English and we are able to ask for no shrimp or no bun and know it won't show up on the plate. but sometimes we go somewhere and there's nothing on the menu I can eat. sometimes my options are to eat gluten and feel sick, or to starve. or sometimes at teppanyaki I order beef and they bring out my meat to cook it... and theres a pile of someone else's shrimp sitting right on it. I won't lie, that really sucks. but usually I can at least get a salad or fries, or pop into 7-11 for some trail mix. sometimes that's not an option though. and if Jamie doesn't eat? she gets hangry [hungry + angry.] so I try to keep granola bars or nuts with me, especially when traveling.

//five napkin burger in NYC: gluten free bun for the win

the bottom line is: eating with allergies is hard, especially in a foreign country. but it's not impossible.

I will probably never be able to walk through a night market or into a local place here in Taiwan and just eat whatever they set in front of me. I have to eat with caution, not wild abandon. sometimes it can be extremely frustrating. but despite my allergies and sensitivities, I have still been able to try so many new things: pho, Korean barbecue, hot pot, bi bim bap, chana masala, etc etc. food may not be the same adventure for me as it is for you, but it's still one I intend to experience.

[though I always keep some Benadryl on hand. just in case.]

ps: I wrote this post as part of the blog every day in may challenge, on how I try to overcome something about "my lot in life" that is difficult. I am not a doctor or nutritional or medical expert. if you have an allergy or sensitivity, please get yourself checked out and follow your doctor's orders. this is just what I do to deal with my own conditions, and not meant to be any kind of diagnosis or guidebook. while they cause me stress and frustration and discomfort, I do realize that my conditions are less serious than a lot of you out there. what works for me - taking a burger off the bun - may be deadly for you. I salute you for being brave enough to go out into the world and eat, because I know how terrifying it can be even for myself sometimes. xo

expatriate problems

living overseas means there are a lot of things I miss. every day.

my family. my friends. my cats. my dishwasher and my clothes dryer. my walk-in closet. Chipotle, Whole Foods, Buddy's Pizza and Jimmy John's. New Planet gluten free beer.

I miss texting. I miss running by the canal in Princeton. I miss play dates in NYC and so much good food in Philly. I miss stores that carry clothes for American-shaped bodies and living 5 minutes from Gap and Anthropologie. I miss being able to buy all my groceries at one store. and Target... my goodness, do I miss Target.

I miss campfires. I miss wide open spaces and gently rolling midwestern hills. I miss Lake Michigan and I miss 8-Point. I miss sunsets in the field across the street in Armada. I miss drinking my morning coffee on the deck at my parent's house. I miss East Lansing and tailgate during football season, and margaritas at El Azteco.

I miss my cats... did I say that already?

despite this incredible adventure I am living, there are still moments when I desperately long for these familiar things. please don't think that giving them up was an easy choice for us to make. I clearly remember the moment, a few days after we found out we were moving to Taiwan, when the full weight of what I was going to miss hit me. my parents had called to tell me my Dad finally qualified for the Boston marathon. I was so excited for him, but so devastated that I wouldn't be able to be there to cheer him on. after I hung up I ended up crying on a bench in the mall outside Williams Sonoma. until that point we had only been thinking of happy, positive things about what we would experience. not all the birthdays and weddings and whatnot we wouldn't be there for.

we chose this. we chose to give up the life we knew. and that's what makes it hard - it is our own choice we have to blame for our situation. but if I thought that way I would spend each day here wallowing in regret and doubt and misery. yes, it was our choice to come here. but we chose this life because we believed it would be worth it, despite all we would leave behind.