help me support the Malala Fund with #NaNoWriMo and #TheMightyPens

hi friends! today's post will be a little different, as I'm dedicating most of my time this month to my manuscript instead of travel blogging. but the topic is important to me -- so I hope you'll read on.

[though if you'd rather, you can skip right to my donations page!]

nanowrimo

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was planning to participate in NaNoWriMo [National Novel Writing Month] again this year to help me get back into the writing habit, and hopefully complete my first draft. a week into things -- I've already made it over 15,000 words! that puts me about 3,000 words ahead of schedule, and a target of just under 1,500 words per day to complete the goal of 50,000 this month.

part of the reason I've been ahead of pace for NaNoWriMo is that I'm reworking my existing storyline. just a few days before November, I decided to fundamentally change the rules of my universe. it definitely has made things challenging, but I believe the story will be better off for it.

about my book

so what exactly is this story I'm writing? well. my main character is a female hematologist who finds herself accidentally turned into a vampire. despite her initial disbelief, scientific curiosity wins out and she begins to adapt. her reluctant mentor -- a British aristocrat from the early 1800's -- enlists her help in solving the rash of murders that have been plaguing Chicago. the vampire population has been dying out, and they can't afford to lose many more of their number.

things become more complicated as the government gets involved -- or at least the alarmingly increasing number of special law enforcement who are aware of the existence of vampires. everyone seems to be keeping secrets from each other. there's a little romance, and a lot of weird science. and also a cat named Charles.

the mighty pens + malala fund

this Novemeber I've joined up with a group called The Mighty Pens. authors Susan and Kat have put together a writing group that will fundraise for the Malala Fund with every word. over the past week, we have already managed to collectively raise nearly $5,000!

if you aren't familiar with the Malala Fund: it was founded in 2013 by Nobel Laureate Malala Yousafzai to advocate for and support the rights of girls everywhere to receive an education. efforts are focused in areas where girls are commonly discouraged or even prevented by force from continuing their attendance in school. it is my personal belief that a better education for all, especially girls and young women, will lead to a better future for our world.

how you can help

if you are willing and able, please consider contributing to the Malala Fund on my donations page. otherwise, spreading the word about the plight of girls' education and/or offering words of encouragement to your favorite NaNo author this month would also be appreciated. 😊

if you can support financially: feel free to make a flat donation, or to pledge a certain amount once I reach a specific word count goal. for example, pledging $25 if I reach 25,000 words. you could leave a pledge in the comments below, or email me at jamiethewalker at gmail.com. the more money we raise, the more girls we can help! [and as a bonus -- I could earn awesome prizes like critiques by agents and authors when I reach certain goals.]

thank you so much for your time and support, and your patience with this somewhat off-topic post. I'll share an update at the end of the month to let you all know how the writing [and the fundraising] end up. if you like, you can also track my progress on my NaNoWriMo page.

xo,

Jamie

the struggles of an author-in-progress

today, I was asked my least favorite question on earth: so, what do you do?

usually this comes up when meeting new people. often it is assumed that I am a teacher, since my husband is a teacher, many foreigners living in Taiwan are teachers, and 90% of the people we hang out with are also teachers. BUT I am not a teacher [believe me, I tried it.] and once that's cleared up, I have to answer the question.

my response will vary from day to day, conversation to conversation. sometimes I will proudly declare "I'm a writer!" and the immediate follow-up is "cool, what have you published?" and then when I explain "nothing yet" I have to watch the person's face as they mentally disqualify me from being an actual writer.

there are days when I opt for the "I'm a travel blogger, but I'm also working on a manuscript for a novel" version of my life summary. sometimes this prompts blogger eye rolls, but usually people will ask for my website and then look it up while I'm awkwardly still standing there. I've realized though - nowadays people assume when I say "travel blogger" it means I get free stuff and fly first class and stay in fancy places for writing reviews. um, no.

and then, if I've been having a shit week and lacking confidence I go into full self-depreciation mode. "well, technically nothing. I don't get paid, but I have a travel blog. I've been working a a book too, though I haven't made much progress lately." which at best leads to an awkward change in subject and maybe worst the "wow it must be nice to have so much free time! I wish I didn't have to work."

I work - really hard - and I don't get paid. some days my work is 1,200 words [or 200] of a new scene in my novel, some days it's spilling my guts in a blog post like this. some days my work is culling and editing photos, making painful 1st to 3rd person revisions, reading someone else's work, or asking Google questions that make me look like a serial killer.

some days my work is just getting out of the house and away from my computer so my well of creativity doesn't dry out and my brain doesn't shrivel up like a raisin.

there is no one to hold me accountable except myself. I don't have a contract or a deadline, an agent or a publisher. someday, I hope to. and maybe a best-selling debut novel with a major publisher that leads to a 5 book deal with a nice advance.

the truth is, I may never have any of it. but I have to find the motivation to keep trying, to keep writing, anyway.

I know that not everyone who asks me what I do responds like I've outlined above. I have a husband, family, and friends who have been incredibly supportive of my writing. in some ways it's like any other job - I have good days and bad days. there are times when it's easy to know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing. but sometimes, I struggle with doubts. sometimes, well-meaning people will ask how my writing is going and the answer is: terribly.

then again... sometimes the answer is awesome and it leads to a 20-minute discussion about historical vampire fiction, strong female leads, and weird science 💚

old things, new things

it's been a long time since I've blogged after dark. [it's been a long time since I've blogged, period.] back in a past life, I used to sit in my home office late at night and type away with a cat in my lap while Husband was making lesson plans. or sometimes I'd be on the couch with the computer in my lap and Husband asleep watching food network. and even, on occasion, I blogged with both a cat and a computer in my lap.

now my lap is empty. and I'm in my new office, half a world and five years away.

you see, I gave myself permission to create a writing office. I took the smallest nook in our apartment and added a tiny desk and a comfy chair and an extension cord. I even made it official with a planter of succulents. a third of them have died already, so I rearranged and made room for -- of all the things to stick in a planter -- a tiny sleeping charmander.

it's been a long time since I've picked up my camera. four months. and even longer since I've staged an awkward self-photo shoot. [I say awkward not because the photos are awkward, though sometimes they are. I say awkward because I still feel awkward doing it. which probably means I should do it more often, so that it feels less awkward.]

but today I did. I got out my tripod and poured a cup of coffee. not into my most photogenic mug, but into my weirdly adorable Din Tai Fung space dumplings mug. I shot photos and then changed back into stretchy pants and started typing.

the past few months have been rough. [I know, 2016 right?] but I also mean it's been rough for me, personally.

on top of spending a huge amount of time and effort trying to feed myself [a gluten, dairy, egg, nut, shellfish, olive, avocado, pineapple free diet] I wound up with an intestinal bacterial infection last August. it took three months to figure out that it was c. diff. and almost another three months later my system is still dealing with the effects.

to be honest, it's been pretty awful. and it's still not fun. but rather than drag on about this and other misfortunes that have overshadowed the last year... we're moving on.

because there have been some positive things happening lately.

I started writing a novel.

actually writing a novel. about a badass female scientist who is accidentally turned into a vampire. there's blood and romance, mystery and weird science. I'm not comfortable sharing too much of the plot yet, but I've written 22,000 words of it.

I've read both contemporary and historical vampire literature. I've watched online lectures by authors, joined webinars, and poured through writing websites. I've brainstormed and outlined and plotted and covered an entire wall with post-it notes. I've done research and asked google some really strange medical questions. and of course, I've written.

it's been both incredibly challenging and extremely fulfilling.

I am scared and excited and doing my best to just keep writing.

blogging is such a strange thing. the past few months I spent a lot of time thinking about if and when I would do it again, and what would I say? I wrote a dozen posts that were never quite right enough to publish, but I couldn't figure out why. and then the longer I didn't blog, the more it seemed to matter. until I thought maybe I just wouldn't blog again ever.

but today I wanted to blog.

so I decided to just write whatever came to mind. old things, new things. strange things. and this is where we have ended up, for better or worse. I believe this is the place where I write the conclusion and we say goodbye. [but that might just be because I'm hungry.]

like I said, it's been a long time since I've blogged after dark.

until next time, friends. xo.

writing into the past

it's been a while since I've talked about my book manuscript. to be honest, it's been a while since I've made major progress on my book manuscript. after completing my first and very rough draft about a year ago, I took some time off for entertaining visitors in Taiwan and then traveling back to the US.

I managed to read through and mark my draft up for some edits over the summer. in the fall though, it seemed my time began to be sucked up by planning for and teaching my blogging class, and of course keeping up with all things on this blog as well.

I know that to many of you out there with full-time jobs it may seem like I have endless hours in a day to write, and therefore it is incomprehensible that I could not have finished this book yet. [or maybe that's just my inner self-critic talking.]

here's a little secret: writing a book is hard. digging in and finding the courage to write about the truth of your own life - baring all the gory details and hoping that strangers might maybe find them interesting - is absurdly difficult.

and then the realization that I probably need to completely rewrite my manuscript because the bulk of it is in present tense and it might make more sense in past tense? that was a gut-punch that stalled me on the floor clutching my ribs for several months.

eventually I started revising. but changing present tense into the past isn't as simple as adding -ed to every verb. some things just don't make sense when changing a present tense narrative to the past. things start to lose their immediacy, their intimacy. so I began to question if diving back into the past was really the right move. until I would come across a section or chapter that was originally written in past tense, and was changed to present to match, and then I was cursing myself while altering it back and pulling my hair out.

last week I reached the part of my manuscript where everything devolves into a mess of unfinished thoughts - complete with fragments of blog posts copy/pasted for dissection and expansion and random sentences I wrote and loved but don't know where to put. the last twenty pages barely represent what the last third of my book should be. I have been dreading this. and to be honest, I think that's why I've not been so diligent at working on my edits. because I know the end of the book is a mess and the level of revision and rewriting [and just plain writing] is daunting.

but rather than slug through the half-hearted edits I marked up last summer, I decided to restart.

I went back to the beginning of the manuscript to start it as it should be. which was actually revising the original start that I wrote and then moved. I'm going to frame the past as, well, the past. sort things into order and rewrite pages and pages and pages until I get back to the mess and then I can just fix it once.

the original title of this post was "when the past comes back to haunt you" but I just couldn't leave it like that. I recently had to unload about 1,000 photos from my phone [no joke] and going back through the past was almost like reliving it. my brain has always connected emotions with visuals. sorting back through shots from when we found out we were moving to Taiwan, our first months here, and particularly from when I started writing this damn book [as shown in this post] has been a journey I needed to take.

my life used to be a bit of a mess. in fact, it still is messy. but now the mess is of my own making, and I mean that in best way possible. seeing where I used to be - who I used to be - makes me proud of who I've become. delving into the past isn't always a comfortable experience, but sometimes it's necessary.

especially when you're trying to write a memoir.

behind the blog: my writing process

I always love taking a peek into the behind-the-scenes of people's blogs. I find it interesting that while so many of us share this hobby [or profession] we all approach it in different ways. everyone shares different pieces of their lives [and themselves] on their blogs, and getting to see something other than the usual always intrigues me. a while ago, Christina tagged me in a post to share my writing process. I've finally gotten around to answering this prompt - enjoy!

what am I currently working on/writing?

as far as the blog goes, I'm still catching up on travels from as early as April. Japan, Taroko, Hong Kong, Kaohsiung, Taipei... and bits of Michigan summer. part of this is just the sheer volume of photos I have. but mostly, I like to write about what I'm feeling that day. and my emotions don't always work in chronological order. so the older travel posts are mixed in with newer adventures and bits of daily life. I also want to incorporate some changes based on the feedback I've received from my blog survey, but with the holiday season upon us that may not be until next year.

and then we have the book. for the past year, I've been working on a travel memoir. something that reads more like a novel, a comprehensive narrative, and not a blog. currently I'm in the midst of my first edit/rewrite, making all the changes I marked up this summer. I'm about 2/3 through with that, but I still need to write a healthy portion of the ending. I've been struggling to make time for this lately... but I swear one day it will be published. [for the sake of not turning this post into a novel, I'm only going to talk about writing for the blog from here on out.]

how does my work/writing differ from others of its genre?

I suppose my genre would be "travel blog" or "expat lifestyle blog" if I had to pin it down. on the surface of things, I think I am living a different life from many other expats in Asia. or at least I don't fit into the "twenty-something ESL teacher who spends their weekends backpacking" stereotype. I'm almost-thirty, a trailing spouse, and didn't particularly enjoy my first solo travel experience. not that any of this makes me better or worse - just different from much of what I've encountered.

but I think I'm getting off the real question here.

what really makes my blog different, is that it's me. I don't just want to show you location X, I want to show you my version of it. some days it may not shine through as much, but I try to weave in my personality and personal experiences. I've worked hard [and still am] to develop my voice as a writer, but I have more practice showing than telling. photography is something important to me, and to my blog. someone recently left me a comment that really made me feel awesome: "I think if someone gave me a random set of blogger photos, I could pick out yours every time." I'd like to think the sharing of my experience, voice, and photography on this blog offers a unique perspective - but then again wouldn't we all?

why do I write what I do?

I sortof fell into travel blogging unintentionally. for years I kept a personal blog, just writing about whatever. as my love of photography and food grew, I started a baking blog. then I moved to Taiwan and decided to start a new blog from scratch, not really intending it to be anything other than about my life. but the nature of expat life [and the travel opportunities available to me] sent my work in that direction. then one day I discovered that travel and expat blogs were actually a thing. and I started to connect with that community, and my content shifted to fit more into that genre because it gave me a place to belong.

I could write about nail art or recipes or any of a million things I enjoy. but travel and expat life are the broadest, most flexible [and most photogenic] topics I have right now in my life. honestly, I just love telling stories.

how does my writing process work?

as I mentioned above, I like to write what I'm feeling. what that actually means is - if I'm not "feeling" a topic that day, I won't write about it. I think readers know when your heart isn't in your writing, or even when your interest isn't there. planning out what to post which day never really works for me. some days I have a specific topic or [usually] set of photos I am eager to share, and that's what you get. and some days I have to draw from the well of draft posts and stockpiled photos and just make it work.

when I'm composing a post, I almost always start with the pictures. I cull through shots from a certain day or event and choose which ones will help me form a story. when I'm struggling with what to write, the photos help me. sometimes though I just have something I need to say, or a specific thing I want to write and that will drive the photos. like this post- I had the topic and so created images to go along. but I shot and edited the photos first, then did the writing.

it takes me a while to write my posts because I always like to walk away from it for a bit, then come back and proofread with perspective. [and thankfully my Mom likes to email me when a typeo gets through.] sometimes I start with a vague idea and spend days or weeks pulling things together from a string of photos or phrases, tweaking it into something I feel is worthy of publishing. and sometimes the words just fly out of my fingertips.

either way, coffee is almost always involved.

what's your writing/blogging process like? do you stick to an editorial calendar or just let yourself write? feel free to "tag yourself" and answer these prompts - leave a link to your post in the comments below so I can check it out!

tips for writers: starting your book

as I've mentioned a few times, I'm currently in the process of writing my first book - which is just as exciting and terrifying as you might imagine. writing a book has been a dream of mine for years, but it took a lot of courage and motivation to actually put pen to paper [or really- fingers to keyboard.]

it was nearly one year ago that I finally sat myself down and wrote the first 3,000 words of my manuscript. to celebrate, today I want to give you some tips on how YOU can get started writing your own book.

Make a Plan.

if you want to write a book, you probably already have an idea what the book will be about. that's a good place to begin, but life will be much easier if your sit down and create an outline of your story. the book I am working on currently is a non-fiction travel memoir. I have a pretty good idea of how the plot goes [since I lived it!] but I still started out by defining a time frame the book would cover and a list of major events. this framework helps keep me on track and moving my plot forward.

Set Realistic Goals.

when I first started my manuscript, I thought I would be able to complete, edit, and publish it within six months. that was not a realistic goal for me. something that has worked better for me is to set a goal of writing X times per week, with my sessions being from 2-4 hours depending on how things go. I also like to set monthly word count goals based on my average output. you have to look at your available time and writing speed to figure out what will work for you.

Write What You Know.

or maybe a better way to say it is: know what you're going to write. use your existing knowledge and life experiences to help construct your story, or do the proper research. have you lived in or traveled to San Francisco? maybe that would be a good setting for your novel. always wanted to write a Victorian-era romance? better brush up on Victorian clothing styles, dialect, and architecture. this rule can apply to writing non-fiction as well. I have a pretty good memory, but both my journal and my blog have been indispensable resources.

Just Keep Writing!

a lot of people [myself included] get sidetracked by the end-details of writing a book. should I self-publish? do I need an agent? will anyone buy this thing? but all of those concerns will be irrelevant if you don't actually finish writing your book. other times, writers will get discouraged and quit partially through their draft. just remember that rough drafts are supposed to be rough. if you get stuck on a particular event or plot point, move on and come back to it later. you can always improve on a bad page, but you can't edit a blank one.

have you ever considered writing a book? hopefully these tips will motivate you to get started!

[this first appeared as a guest post on Hello, Neverland.]

interview with an author

I'm linking up with Melyssa today for another edition of the creative collective. this week's prompt was to interview someone and take some editorial photos to go along. well... I miscalculated on the date and so was not able to interview my initial intended. but I do have someone special answering questions on the blog today: me! I thought I'd use this as a chance to catch you up on my book news and give some info to my newer readers, who may not know that I've been writing a book.

so you're writing a book. what's that all about? well. as the book currently stands, it is a personal travel memoir. it describes our move to Taiwan and how I've both dealt with culture shock and grown through the process. it covers the time leading up to the move and the first year and a half of our life here, with chapters covering everything from adjusting to not having a career to accidentally staying in love motels. I've been working on it off + on for the last 9 months and it truly has become my baby.

isn't that kindof like your blog? yes, and no. it covers the same time frame and a lot of the same events, but the blog tends to focus on photos and information. the book is more personal, dives in deeper, and written more like a story. I know some people publish their blogs as ebooks, but that's not what this is. I want it to read like a novel, not a collection of standalone stories. I think that makes it more challenging for me to write, but I hope will result in a better book.

do you have a title yet? no. I have a few half-formed ideas, but I'm hoping as I organize things something will jump out at me. if all else fails, I can cop out and name it after my blog, right?

how long is the book going to be? right now I'm around 55,000 words, which qualifies as a full-length novel. I'd like to expand up to around 75,000 words but in truth - it will be as long as it needs to be.

what inspired you to start writing this book? I've always loved to write. I grew up keeping journals, have been blogging for over 12 years, and the idea of writing a book has always appealed to me. I knew that moving to Taiwan [and not working 9-5 anymore] was my best opportunity to have the time to do so. it took me a while to start because I wasn't sure what I wanted to write. but sometime around last March I realized that the story I needed to tell first was my story. it took a few more months and a lot of encouragement before I actually started writing. I've had great support from my Husband and family, along with both real life and blogging friends. when I get discouraged I look back at emails and comments and remember conversations I've had, and it keeps me going.

do you actually write in bed, or are you just trying to Carrie Bradshaw in this photoshoot? nope, this was totally staged. though the pen poses are all natural movements for me. I typically write in my office [which is a hot mess right now] or at Starbucks. I'd love to find a local coffee shop to support, but none of them in Taiwan open before noon.

what do you use to write? I started by digging through all my blog entries and journals to create a timeline, then started typing in a Word document. I have a few notebooks full of book notes, and of course the journal and blog content that has been expanded on. right now my 7-year-old MacBook isn't capable of using iAuthor, but when I get my new Air in a few weeks I'll be able to move everything into that program.

when can we expect to read this book? hopefully in the fall. my first draft is a little rough, but it's just about complete. I hope to flesh it out and do some editing + organizing this summer, possibly have it professionally edited and formatted, have a cover designed, and then self-publish on kindle. I'm writing this book mostly for me - if I can tell my story authentically and put it out there, then that's success. [though if a publisher wants to pick me up and make me famous I'm cool with that too.]

do you plan to keep writing in the future? yes. I've written a few fiction short stories that I might try to expand, and I've considered dabbling in historical fiction or fantasy or even romance novels. maybe I'll try them all, who knows? but I do know that I want to keep writing, and hopefully publish more books after this one.

any advice for someone who wants to tackle writing a book? just do it. the hardest part about writing is convincing yourself to sit down and actually write. you'll have good days where the words will fly from your fingertips, and other days where it feels like you're just pounding against a brick wall. just keep writing, and keep reminding yourself to keep writing.

so that was only moderately awkward for me to interview myself, right? hopefully you enjoyed the update :)

linking up with Nicole, too!

march goals: get back on track

from a blogging standpoint, this year has been really productive for me. [my pageviews have increased by 40% since 2014 started... hi-five to myself!] I actually accomplished all of my January goals... and then didn't even set any for February. vacation was wonderful but it really threw me off my book-writing and workout mojo, and I let myself be wrapped up in keeping things up here.

I am sad to say that I went almost an entire month without working on my book. at all. I thought about it plenty. but when it came to the doing I always had something else that seemed to be more important easier to do and therefore was done instead.

does this sort of thing happen to you? you take a break from something. you keep telling yourself you need to start again. but it seems the longer you go without doing it, the more impossible it seems starting again will be. so you just put it off longer and longer because it feels like it will be more and more painful when you pick it back up.

finally - you start. and it sucks for the first five minutes or so. but then you stop and think "why on EARTH was I procrastinating this? it feels so good to do _____ again!"

yes? well, that was me with book writing. I picked it up again last week and ever since I have been bursting with ideas and energy. I'm cooking dinner, brushing my teeth, or running errands and words and phrases just start coming to me and I have to run to find pen and paper so I can write them down. I've been rethinking everything, but in a good way. I'm overflowing with good creative juice and I'm just pouring it all into this story. you guys, this is what I want writing my book to feel like.

and I think that the not-so-secret secret is: I just need keep writing.

we don't have any major plans for March, but towards the end of April things are going to get busy. people will be visiting, we will be traveling. and then in June we fly back to the states for summer and will be spending a solid seven weeks criss-crossing the country to see people... making time to write is going to get really difficult. so for March, I need to get as much in as I can.

it's really quite ironic. when I was looking ahead to what I wanted to do this year, I wrote under January "ENJOY vacation, but don't break new habits" referring to regular book writing sessions. well, oops. but there's time to get back on track. and it gets even more hilarious when I look at my notes for March: "write your face off, write your face off, write your face off." [seriously, I wrote it three times.]

so I flopped on February. in March, I will get back on track.

+ book writing +

I want to dedicate 4 or more writing sessions to working on the book each week. right now I'm around 20,000 words into my first draft. 21,233 to be exact. if I could be at 50,000 by the end of March, that would be amazing. I'm hoping for at least 35-40k. hopefully that isn't too crazy.

+ blogging +

tough I'm going to spend more time on the book, I want keep up with 3 posts per week, and make sure sponsors are getting enough love. [ps - have you checked out the ladies on my sidebar lately? you'll be hearing more from them soon!] I still have plenty of adventure from Bali to share, and hoping to show you a little more of Taiwan too.

+ balancing with exercise +

since my other two goals involve a lot of time sitting at my computer, I'd like to be sure I get off my butt and sweat a few times a week. there's a weekly yoga class that started up at the school which I plan to go to. I also want to start training for a race this summer [which I should sign up for.] and of course I want to spend some time with my buddy Jillian.

so here's hoping this month can get back on track. what are you hoping to accomplish in March?

linking up with Melyssa

coffeeshop ramblings

my writing sessions typically take place at Starbucks. [trust me, I'm rolling my eyes at the stereotype I now fulfill.] but I have trouble focusing on serious book writing when I'm in the apartment and attached to the internet. so I load up my tote bag with my laptop, a notebook, a journal, pens and markers, and sometimes my iPad, and head across the street.

when I write in the afternoons, I try to keep myself from a caffeine overdose by sticking with tea. I'm about to further reinforce another stereotype, but my drink of choice has become a black tea latte with soy milk and only one pump of sugar. [lately though, my Starbucks had been out of soy milk. I'm hoping this is not like when Costco ran out of V8 and it never returned. because that would be sad for my lactose intolerant self.]

when I write in the mornings, I drink black coffee. because in the mornings I need caffiene. desperately. and though I could easily make coffee at home with my adorable tiny french press before going over to sit and write, I choose to support a multi-billion-dollar corporation by sipping a $2 coffee because... I like it.

for months I just did my best to ignore the Chinese chatter around me and the generic music being pumped over the speakers. but a few weeks ago I had a most brilliant [and obvious] idea: headphones. since then, most of my writing has been done to a combination of Fleetwood Mac's greatest hits, Lana del Ray, Sufjan Stevens, and M83.

M83's hurry up, we're dreaming album was one I listened to endlessly while driving carloads of my life  back and forth from NJ to MI last summer. it's electronic, but soothing, and I formed an emotional bond with this album relating to our move abroad. this morning at Starbucks I sat down with my grande brew and as the "intro" track played for what must be the hundredth time, I finally heard the opening lyrics. and at the risk of stereotyping myself, yet again, I will share those lyrics with you.

we didn't need a story, we didn't need a real world
we just had to keep walking
and we became the stories, we became the places
we were the lights, the deserts, the faraway worlds
we were you before you even existed

[you can also listen here, though the nature video is completely unrelated.]

I'm not entirely sure what the band meant, but what matters is what I heard in those words. I've been struggling with how to write this book, what to write this book about, and why I'm even bothering to write it. but I get it now. it's not about finding a story to write, because I am the story.

and that's all the random writing-related and vaguely philosophical thursday thoughts I have to bring you.

linking up with Nicole's new "treat yo self" thursday. watch this, then go here to join in.

decide that you want it.

that little motivational nugget comes from Bill Cosby, of all people.

I have a serious confession to make: for a long time, I've been afraid to own the things I want in life. I've been scared that if I tried to chase my dreams, I might fail. I've been terrified that people would judge me for doing what I want to do. and what was maybe the worst - the fear of what might happen if I actually succeeded.

but today I'm coming out of the closet and declaring my intentions: I want to be a writer.

it took me a long time to realize it. and maybe I don't mean it in an end-all be-all kind of way. there are other things I want to do with my life too. but this idea has been preying on my mind - to be completely honest - for years.

that's right. for years I was so afraid of trying and failing that I just didn't try at all. yes, I blog, and that's writing. but I never put what I considered "serious" effort into it so that if I didn't become "popular" I wouldn't feel like some loser just writing a blog that no one reads. when people I know in real life would ask me about my blog I would blush and stammer and mumble "oh yeah, my blog..." and avoid talking about it like it was no big deal.

I love writing, and I love writing this blog. and I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I don't care that much.

I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine this summer. you see, she's trying to write a book too. she asks herself "how bad do you want it?" and then she goes and gets it. I didn't quite take it to heart as much as I should have at the time. but I'm going to try now, and that's what counts.

so things around here are going to change, at least a little. last night I took the plunge and decided to invest in sponsoring two of my most favorite blogs. HUGE DEAL. for me at least. and I'm super excited about it - supporting two women I admire and having the chance to grow my readership. I'm going to make more of an effort to write consistently and to be open + vulnerable in what I write. kindof like right now. it may get a little wild and crazy before I actually figure out what I'm doing. but I'm finally over the idea that not trying at all is better than trying and failing. because it's not.

but what if people judge me? well... I hate to say it, but people are already judging. people judge people. all the damn time. you can't control that. so you might as well do what makes you happy. and the people who really matter won't judge or shame you for it. I have people who love me and support what I'm doing here. and I owe them everything for believing in me while I was still figuring out how to believe in myself.

and what if I succeed in becoming a writer? a wise friend said to me once, "if you want to be a [blank], then do what a [blank] does." so: if you want to be a writer, then you should write. because a writer writes. well guess what... I write. hell, I'm already a writer. so there's no point in being afraid of it.

because... I want it.